Rubber Ducky, You're The One

I've found a lot of strange things in my purse before; including silverware and socks. But three Rubber Ducks is by far the strangest. And I love it.

I've done strange and disgusting things in he last five weeks. Today I picked someone else's nose and wiped it on a bib. I've actually shouted through the house"Oh my God, come look at this diaper!" I've intentionally sniffed a baby's butt and stuck my finger inside just to check. And none of this bothers me. I actually think it's kind of funny.

I've spent the last five weeks being amused by hiccups, bathtub suds and taking pictures in cute outfits. I just hope the second five weeks don't go as fast as the first.

Got Milk?

God gave me big knockers. But for some reason he forgot to put build in the functionality needed for breastfeeding. I wish these tatas had come with some kind of warning label. You know, like the little sticker on a beach ball that says “This is not a flotation device.” Mine would say “For decoration only.”

I’m still trying. I was really set on the idea of breastfeeding Jackson. I even tried to get a personal refrigerator at work so my boob juice could be stored away from everyone’s lunch. I’m pretty sure this is no longer necessary. I mean really, who could be scared of a few teaspoons of breastmilk?

For now the mantra is “Try, try again.” I’ll keep giving it my best until I can’t look at another bowl of oatmeal and the girls just shrivel up and die. Just like the Birth Plan lesson I had to learn the hard way…not everything goes according to plan. On the plus side, Josh not having boobs is no longer a disadvantage at feeding time.

The Birth Plan?

After hearing about Beyonce’s Birth Plan I decided I too needed some kind of strategy for the arrival of our Lovebug. Although I did not require a special security force to be present, we did have somewhat of an idea how we wanted things to go.

As each week and appointment passed I thought it was a little strange that my doctor wasn’t asking me questions about my Birth Plan. Well, now I know why. For people like me there is no such thing as a Birth Plan. The plan is to just get the kid out in one piece by any means necessary.

My plan was to let nature take its course in a relaxing bubble tub. But I should have known when I was induced at 7am on Monday, March 19 that I was the only one who was aware of the Birth Plan. At 1pm when I still didn’t get things moving along on my own my doctor broke my water. That’s when everything changed. Oh, dear Lord, did those contractions hurt! I tried to hang in there. I really did. But after 12 hours of steady contractions, non-stop pacing, a constant heavy dose of Pitocin and dry heaves I broke down and went for the Epidural at 1am.

The first thing I felt after the Epidural was hunger. After being in that much pain for so long I couldn’t believe that my stomach was the first one to speak up about the situation. But finally, Josh and I both got some rest.

At 5am on Tuesday I lost another battle with my Birth Plan. Jackson was taking an alternate route and was coming out via C-Section. Oh well, by that time I really didn’t care if he came out my nose. We were tired of waiting and just plain tired. At 6:27am on Tuesday, March 20 all 9 pounds and 2 ounces came out absolutely screaming! Best noise I’ve ever heard.

Several hours later Josh confessed that he was relieved when I finally accepted the drugs. I had bruised both of his hands and his feet hurt from walking and standing with me for over 12 hours. He just didn’t want to say anything because I might have had him thrown out of the room for being a panty-waist; considering what I was dealing with.

I've learned my lesson and will know better for next time. There is only one Birth Plan. Have the baby and live to tell about it. Mission accomplished.

Ready When You Are

Is it just me or has this been an abnormally long nine months? It probably doesn't help that I'm married to a guy who wants to open Christmas presents on Thanksgiving. The wait is absolutely killing him. More than once I've considered faking labor to see his reaction. I think his eyes would pop right out of his head with excitement.

Last weekend we went out to dinner as our "last chance" for date night before the baby comes. After knocking out half a pizza at Zio's I insisted that we hit up Amigo's for some Cinnamon Crispos for dessert. If it was going to be our last date night I was pulling out all the stops!

After dinner we took a romantic drive out west... Who am I kidding. Josh wanted to do a dry-run to the hospital to see how long it would take to get there. In case you were wondering, it's 22 minutes. But according to him it won't take nearly that long because he has no intention of stopping at all the red lights.

The room is ready. The car seat is installed. The tiny clothes are clean. So let's get this show on the road, Lovebug. We're ready when you are!

Oh My, Stary-Eyed Surprise

I think almost half of the car accidents in my life have happened in reverse. About three years ago I backed into a pole in the parking lot at work with such confidence that I rendered my car undrivable. So, I borrowed my mom's rust bucket Buick for the week while my car was in the shop.

At the time, Josh and I were planning our second date. We met at Bigg's in downtown Council Bluffs for a beverage and at the end of our date he was polite enough to walk me to the car. Even though I was just embarrassed enough of the Gold Bomber that I was wishing he wouldn't.

Right there, on Broadway, standing next to that damn Buick in front of some drunk bystanders, was our first kiss. Maybe the Buick helped - he probably felt sorry for me.

All I know is that I must have been one heck of a good kisser. Because after I left he walked to his car in the back parking lot and with stars in his eyes he backed straight into a parking meter. Coincidence? I think not.

I QUIT!

I have never before quit a job without giving the appropriate 2 weeks notice. Except that one time in high school when I quit Sears to go to a College World Series game. But that was high school, so it doesn't really count.

I left my boss, Jean, a lovely note this evening letting her know that Thursday will be my last day at H&R Block. It was my mistake for thinking that I would be able to work two jobs while pregnant and not loose my marbles at some point.

But I would never have quit without the influence of some of our finest customers. Tonight a guy called my baby a parasite. Why I didn't completely screw up his taxes is still beyond me. And last week some dirtball refused to file his taxes because he'd rather have the IRS keep his $222 refund than let it go toward the $17,000 he owed in child support.

Of course, I can't really pretend these two ass hats are the only reason I've thrown in the towel. My feet have reached a permanent stage of puffiness and almost everything makes me cry. Please don't think for one second that I'm complaining about being pregnant. That is certainly not the case. I am complaining about working =) If I could just figure out how to be pregnant at home all day life would be perfect!

Turkey's Done?

I've been pretty proud of my baby growing skills this whole time. I was never sick much and overall I have very few complaints. I think I'm doing a pretty good job hatching our egg. Maybe too good...

Because at my last appointment I learned that our Lovebug is already 5 pounds! I've never done this before so I'm not sure what constitutes normal at 30 weeks. But by my calculations and wild imagination I fear I may be giving birth to the world's biggest baby.

So, naturally the first thing I did when I got to work this morning was Google "World's Biggest Baby." And if I plan on breaking any records I have my work cut out for me. The winner came in at 19 pounds! No need for all the newborn clothes we have washed and ready if that happens.

So far there are no plans of moving my due date. For now let's just hope that the high-tech medical equipment is just a little off. I'd be perfectly happy with a healthy rolly-polley baby but we've got no plans to change his name to Andre the Giant.