Poopy Grahams

The boys must have some kind of tummy bug. They've been nothing but little poop factories all day. Silas was on poop #5 with a bad case of diaper rash by dinner.

Since we ran out of our miracle butt cream, Triple Paste, I was letting him air dry for a bit. Of course, in a matter of minutes he'd peed on the floor twice and then squatted to take a crap right in front of the TV.

Jackson, as helpful as always, wanted to use the popcorn popper to "vacuum it up."

After cleaning up the carpet and putting the poop machine in a diaper I went into the kitchen.

I bent over to pick up a Teddy Graham off the floor and it was  poop! I really should wear my glasses! I was a split second away from becoming Uncle Si eating the Coon-Berries!

1008 - Part Two

The snakes. They're like the prequel to the moth balls. I've never felt so invaded. But I wasn't going down without a fight!

I've killed snakes in the most creative ways you could imagine. Each situation was out of complete desperation. When they coiled up around my mail box I cut their heads off with scissors. It was terrifying. I screamed like Braveheart the whole time I was hacking them up. The screaming helps you conquer the fear. 

I ran them over with the lawnmower. I decapitated them with a dandelion picker. I squished them with flip flops, a 2x4 and a metal pipe. Once while touching up my patio furniture, I spray painted one to death by asphyxia.

Those little shits were bold too! Who's ever seen a garter snake rear up? My dad has, and he high stepped it right out of the garage.

I nearly lost my mind when I saw one slide up inside the siding and disappear into my house. From that point on I was completely paranoid. When I laid in bead I swore I could hear them in the walls. One afternoon I called the neighbor over. I was convinced they were nesting inside my air vents under the floor. I could hear them wrestling around in there. The neighbor came over and tried to convinced me it was just dirt and leaves blowing around.

I wasn't at all convinced; just more paranoid then ever. So I developed a plan. Sticky traps! I wasn't going to wake up with a snake in my bed. So I surrounded every air vent with sticky mouse traps. If one was coming in...I was going to find it before it found me. And it actually worked!

I woke up to a snake stuck face down in a sticky trap in my kitchen. I threw on a bath robe and the clunkiest shoes I could find and took a picture - because nobody was going to believe me! And then I went back over to that neighbors house and told him I was right! And then begged for his help. His grandson came over with a shovel and some gloves. I bet that thing was two feet long. He had to kill it and then pull it's dead body though the air vent like a rope. I'm gagging right now just thinking about it.

My dad and I used our creative problem solving skills to seal up the siding to prevent any more invasions. Within two years the snake problem was completely solved with new attic insulation, new siding, new furnace and air vents and a Corgi. I hope I never have to fight that battle again!

1008 - Part One

I've been thinking about my house a lot lately. I don't think I could ever love a worldly possession as much as I love that house. It's my blood, sweat and tears. Literally. And some of my dad's blood and sweat. And my moms sweat and pee. But that's another story...

Ask anyone. When you think about my house you think about moth balls. I had a bit of a snake situation. A helpful neighbor suggested I use moth balls in the attic to keep them away. I should have considered that her house stunk like moth balls and meatloaf before taking her advice.

The snake in the attic really was the last straw. So after my cousin's husband retrieved the bugger I had him toss a few boxes of moth balls all over the attic. He asked if I really wanted him to use them all. Of course! This was serious. If one box was good, two was better. I told him to chuck them all over - wing 'em like baseballs.

Before I knew it that smell had taken over. Everything smelled like moth balls. EVERYTHING! My phone smelled like moth balls. Crackers tasted like moth balls. It was so bad I had to gut my attic and replace a refrigerator. How Josh stuck around for this phase is still beyond me. The worst part is that the moth balls weren't even effective! It was all a lie.

Moth balls and all, I really miss that place. It was all mine. I never worked so hard on anything in my whole life. I had never been so proud of myself. That house was the biggest piece of my master plan. I'm just glad that I got to enjoy it for the short time that I did. Because we all know that plans change.

It's Not Candy

I ran into an old friend at Target in Council Bluffs when we were on vacation two weeks ago. I'm glad this happened after we chatted...

Jackson was riding in the basket of the shopping cart when I tossed in a box of tampons. Since looking for kid-friendly bug spray is a real challenge I didn't notice that he opened the box and sprinkled them all over the cart.

I hear Jackson saying, "Siley, candy? Candy, Siley?" That's weird. We didn't put any candy in the cart. Yes, he opened the box of tampons and tried to feed them to his brother. "No, that's not candy!"

As fast as I'm picking them up and trying to shove them back in the box he's tossing them out the little holes in the cart onto the floor. It was like a game of tampon wack-a-mole.

By the time we made it to the check-out line half the items in our cart had been opened. Who knows if I even got all 24 tampons I paid for. For all I know they are still sprinkled up and down the bug spray isle.

The Jelly Bug

It was 30 seconds of terror (Jackson), panic (me) and confusion (Josh).
Jackson ran down the hall screaming like Randal the Monster was after him. He pointed down the hall screaming and crying.
Even with no glasses on I could see the giant black bug crawling down the hall."It's a huge bug!" I look down and see blood on Jackson's leg and I yelled to Josh, "Oh my God! It bit him."
Josh races down the hall to kill it. He shouts, "It's just a cricket!"
I shout back, "It's just jelly!"Guess he didn't get bit after all. Just a little raspberry jelly left over from dinner and one overgrown cricket.
Crisis averted.

Kirn Pool

I've never been skinny. Not even in 1996. So it's no surprise that swimming in PE was one of the lowest points in my life. As if being 14 wasn't difficult enough, our school forced us to sport swimwear in front of our classmates and called it 'recreation.'

The bold and brave ladies of my class used Aunt Flow as an excuse to get out of swimming whenever possible. But being the chickenshit crappy liar that I am, I stuck with the simple "I forgot my suit." You know what happens to people who forget their suit? They give you one from the lost and found! Or worse, when all the suits in the lost and found are too small, you get a Kirn blue team suit from the mid 1970's.

Well, now I've told the lie... I have to stick to it or my PE teacher (Ms. Cook, you know...) will know I'm a liar. So what do I do? I wear the Kirn suit. Because in that moment my pea brain was more worried about getting in trouble for lying than wearing my own damn suit!

I hang my head in shame at this moment looking back to that day. How could I be so stupid? Shame on me for being such a terrible liar. Shame on them for embarassing kids at the most awkward stage of their lives.

If I had it to do all over again I would have skipped class and just gone to Super Saver for a donut.

The S&%t Hit the Fan

Any evening can turn from mundane to utter chaos in a matter of minutes in this house. I took bath duty and was wrapping things up when the shit hit the fan, almost literally.

As I'm drying Silas off I catch a whiff. It's poop alright. But where is it coming from? Smashed between his chubby butt cheeks is one sticky little turd. Oh, great. It's on the towel too. The same towel I used to dry him off. Now I'm finding poop in his ear!

Josh is yelling for help from the kitchen. He obviously doesn't know what I'm dealing with here. In his defense, Jackson was taking a whiz in the dishwasher...

We get them in bed and it's quiet. So I get ready to take a shower. But I'm still smelling poop in the bathroom? I pick up a rubber duck and much to my surprise there's a turd sticking up out of the bathtub drain. You see, Silas really likes to sit on the drain when I let the water out of the tub. But his chubby little cheeks usually plug up the hole. Guess the drain just sucked the poo right out of him.