Kirn Pool

I've never been skinny. Not even in 1996. So it's no surprise that swimming in PE was one of the lowest points in my life. As if being 14 wasn't difficult enough, our school forced us to sport swimwear in front of our classmates and called it 'recreation.'

The bold and brave ladies of my class used Aunt Flow as an excuse to get out of swimming whenever possible. But being the chickenshit crappy liar that I am, I stuck with the simple "I forgot my suit." You know what happens to people who forget their suit? They give you one from the lost and found! Or worse, when all the suits in the lost and found are too small, you get a Kirn blue team suit from the mid 1970's.

Well, now I've told the lie... I have to stick to it or my PE teacher (Ms. Cook, you know...) will know I'm a liar. So what do I do? I wear the Kirn suit. Because in that moment my pea brain was more worried about getting in trouble for lying than wearing my own damn suit!

I hang my head in shame at this moment looking back to that day. How could I be so stupid? Shame on me for being such a terrible liar. Shame on them for embarassing kids at the most awkward stage of their lives.

If I had it to do all over again I would have skipped class and just gone to Super Saver for a donut.

The S&%t Hit the Fan

Any evening can turn from mundane to utter chaos in a matter of minutes in this house. I took bath duty and was wrapping things up when the shit hit the fan, almost literally.

As I'm drying Silas off I catch a whiff. It's poop alright. But where is it coming from? Smashed between his chubby butt cheeks is one sticky little turd. Oh, great. It's on the towel too. The same towel I used to dry him off. Now I'm finding poop in his ear!

Josh is yelling for help from the kitchen. He obviously doesn't know what I'm dealing with here. In his defense, Jackson was taking a whiz in the dishwasher...

We get them in bed and it's quiet. So I get ready to take a shower. But I'm still smelling poop in the bathroom? I pick up a rubber duck and much to my surprise there's a turd sticking up out of the bathtub drain. You see, Silas really likes to sit on the drain when I let the water out of the tub. But his chubby little cheeks usually plug up the hole. Guess the drain just sucked the poo right out of him.