History Repeats Itself

It was a rainy Spring day about ten years ago when it happened. The event that changed the landscape of my ass forever. Leaving my second floor apartment wearing flip flops and carrying and entire semester worth of text books I ran down the slippery wood steps.

This wasn't just a fall. It was like a scene from a cartoon. I became airborne. I'm fairly certain that my feet came up over my head before I landed ass first on the steps and slid down toward the bottom.  My roommate, Kelli Watson, didn't even know where to begin. I knocked the wind out of myself and starting making caveman grunting sounds trying to breath again. She asked, "Should should I call an ambulance?"

By the time I drove the two hours home and straight to the doctors office my mom works for I was falling apart. The final score was two sprained ankles, a back spasm, pulled muscles and a dent in my ass. I fell so hard the edge of the steps actually rearranged the fat - permanently! I had no idea human flesh could turn black-purple-red and take on the consistency of applesauce.

Then last night, it happened again. Famous last words were "Josh, you carry Jackson and I will carry the drinks. I don't want you to fall down the steps." The last step was a silent killer. All Josh heard were the drinks exiting the cups, not even a thud. I laid in the grass on top of Diet Coke and rum trying to form words.

Ouch! Stupid wood stairs!

Rubber Ducky, You're The One

I've found a lot of strange things in my purse before; including silverware and socks. But three Rubber Ducks is by far the strangest. And I love it.

I've done strange and disgusting things in he last five weeks. Today I picked someone else's nose and wiped it on a bib. I've actually shouted through the house"Oh my God, come look at this diaper!" I've intentionally sniffed a baby's butt and stuck my finger inside just to check. And none of this bothers me. I actually think it's kind of funny.

I've spent the last five weeks being amused by hiccups, bathtub suds and taking pictures in cute outfits. I just hope the second five weeks don't go as fast as the first.

Got Milk?

God gave me big knockers. But for some reason he forgot to put build in the functionality needed for breastfeeding. I wish these tatas had come with some kind of warning label. You know, like the little sticker on a beach ball that says “This is not a flotation device.” Mine would say “For decoration only.”

I’m still trying. I was really set on the idea of breastfeeding Jackson. I even tried to get a personal refrigerator at work so my boob juice could be stored away from everyone’s lunch. I’m pretty sure this is no longer necessary. I mean really, who could be scared of a few teaspoons of breastmilk?

For now the mantra is “Try, try again.” I’ll keep giving it my best until I can’t look at another bowl of oatmeal and the girls just shrivel up and die. Just like the Birth Plan lesson I had to learn the hard way…not everything goes according to plan. On the plus side, Josh not having boobs is no longer a disadvantage at feeding time.

The Birth Plan?

After hearing about Beyonce’s Birth Plan I decided I too needed some kind of strategy for the arrival of our Lovebug. Although I did not require a special security force to be present, we did have somewhat of an idea how we wanted things to go.

As each week and appointment passed I thought it was a little strange that my doctor wasn’t asking me questions about my Birth Plan. Well, now I know why. For people like me there is no such thing as a Birth Plan. The plan is to just get the kid out in one piece by any means necessary.

My plan was to let nature take its course in a relaxing bubble tub. But I should have known when I was induced at 7am on Monday, March 19 that I was the only one who was aware of the Birth Plan. At 1pm when I still didn’t get things moving along on my own my doctor broke my water. That’s when everything changed. Oh, dear Lord, did those contractions hurt! I tried to hang in there. I really did. But after 12 hours of steady contractions, non-stop pacing, a constant heavy dose of Pitocin and dry heaves I broke down and went for the Epidural at 1am.

The first thing I felt after the Epidural was hunger. After being in that much pain for so long I couldn’t believe that my stomach was the first one to speak up about the situation. But finally, Josh and I both got some rest.

At 5am on Tuesday I lost another battle with my Birth Plan. Jackson was taking an alternate route and was coming out via C-Section. Oh well, by that time I really didn’t care if he came out my nose. We were tired of waiting and just plain tired. At 6:27am on Tuesday, March 20 all 9 pounds and 2 ounces came out absolutely screaming! Best noise I’ve ever heard.

Several hours later Josh confessed that he was relieved when I finally accepted the drugs. I had bruised both of his hands and his feet hurt from walking and standing with me for over 12 hours. He just didn’t want to say anything because I might have had him thrown out of the room for being a panty-waist; considering what I was dealing with.

I've learned my lesson and will know better for next time. There is only one Birth Plan. Have the baby and live to tell about it. Mission accomplished.