Vomit

If you're queasy, please read with caution.

Jackson had been suffering from the squirts for a while, which may have had a little something to do with the incident. However, he's also a notorious over eater (we're working on that) and that might have been the real instigator.

We went to Banana Blossom, a Thai restaurant, for dinner. Jackson ate a very large bowl of ramen noodles followed by two scoops of pistachio ice cream. It all caught up to him when we got home.

Vomit. Vomit like I have never seen. Green. Nickelodeon slime. The volume and projection completely slimed the entire bathroom and it even flowed into the hall. We were trapped inside, surrounded. He yacked on my feet. The rug. The door. An ocean of pistachio noodle soup.

The smell filled the house. Josh threw me a beach towel that we used as a bridge to cross over the vomit river. I had to clean it up but I didn't know where to start!! Do I clean my way back into the bathroom or do I clean my way out? How do you scoop it up? Should I just throw away the rug?

I tried wiping it up with toilet paper and throwing it in the bowl. I tried to used the beach towel to pool it up. I tried paper towels. It was so overwhelming, I took off my pink rubber gloves and called Aunt Laurie.

It was one of those laughs where she thought I was crying.
"Are you busy?"
"Oh my god. What's wrong? Are you ok?"
"I don't know what to do."
"What happened? Amy, what's wrong?"
"Jackson threw up everywhere!!! I've tried everything. There's too much. I don't know what to do. I already threw away the rug. It's so sticky! It's like somebody spilled a pot of chewed up spaghetti. I keep trying to wipe it up but the noodles are just rolling around on the floor!"

I really got the giggles when I looked under the vanity and saw that the force behind his stream of spew was strong enough for the slime to ricochet off the rug and splash vomit up under the vanity and across the base boards. I had to stand on my head to clean that!

More than an hour later, it was finally cleaned up. I closed the door and decided to disinfect and mop in the morning. Do you know that the next day when I was mopping, a dried up ramen noodle fell off the door jam?

Nose Hairs

I know my Grandma Mann loved me, but she still had a real knack for embarrassing me. I know she didn't mean to. For her, it just happened naturally.

During a back to school shopping event at Younkers she came into the women's bathroom and loudly checked on my well being. "Amy, are you ok? You've been in here a while." Yes grandma, I'm fine. It's hard to poop quickly in a public restroom!

She always insisted on giving me underwear for Christmas. Since she knew unwrapping a package of underpants in front of my whole family would embarrass me, she'd take me to the back bedroom after dinner and let me open my package of drawers privately. Because I guess not buying me underwear for Christmas wasn't an option?

The most cringeworthy moment was in the US Savings Bank drive thru lane. Right there, in broad daylight, she reached into her purse and pulled out the tiniest pair of scissors I have ever seen. She proceeded to trim her nose hairs in the rearview mirror. She even said, "I'm sorry, but the lighting is just perfect." I wanted to slide down the front seat of that Buick and ride home on the floor. 

It's a pocket mirror with a light. Perfect!

Deviled Eggs

My mom's pretty much famous for her deviled eggs. And since I learned from the best, I've got a bit of a deviled egg reputation myself. One of Josh's co-workers brought deviled eggs to my house for a get together and my friend Ashlee took one look at his deviled eggs and said, "Who brought deviled eggs to Amy's house?"

On June 20, 2013 I spent the afternoon at the hospital. I was pregnant with Silas and I hadn't felt him move all day. I went to get checked out and they reassured me that everything was fine and since I wasn't due until July 9, they sent me home.

Josh had a command picnic the next day so I stayed up late making four dozen deviled eggs, per their request. As I stood over the sink, like a T-Rex peeling eggs, I said to Josh, "So help me, if I have this baby and these deviled eggs don't make it to the picnic, I'm going to be so mad!"

And what do you know? The next morning my water broke before I even got out of bed. Josh rushed home from work and we packed up. We dropped the two most important things off at Marissa's house, Jackson and the deviled eggs. I got my baby and everybody else got their deviled eggs. Win, win!

You'd probably like to have the recipe for these famous deviled eggs:

Boil eggs, slice in half, separate yolks from whites.
Use a mixer to break up the yolks.
Mix in a few big blobs of Miracle Whip and a couple little squirts of mustard.
Shake in some salt and a tiny bit of pepper (I think pepper is kind of yucky).
Here's the most important part!! They have to look pretty. A spoon is unacceptable. Use a pastry bag or even a ziplock bag with the corner cut off to fill the whites. No ugly deviled eggs allowed.
Shake a little paprika on top for an extra pretty.