1008 - Part Two

The snakes. They're like the prequel to the moth balls. I've never felt so invaded. But I wasn't going down without a fight!

I've killed snakes in the most creative ways you could imagine. Each situation was out of complete desperation. When they coiled up around my mail box I cut their heads off with scissors. It was terrifying. I screamed like Braveheart the whole time I was hacking them up. The screaming helps you conquer the fear. 

I ran them over with the lawnmower. I decapitated them with a dandelion picker. I squished them with flip flops, a 2x4 and a metal pipe. Once while touching up my patio furniture, I spray painted one to death by asphyxia.

Those little shits were bold too! Who's ever seen a garter snake rear up? My dad has, and he high stepped it right out of the garage.

I nearly lost my mind when I saw one slide up inside the siding and disappear into my house. From that point on I was completely paranoid. When I laid in bead I swore I could hear them in the walls. One afternoon I called the neighbor over. I was convinced they were nesting inside my air vents under the floor. I could hear them wrestling around in there. The neighbor came over and tried to convinced me it was just dirt and leaves blowing around.

I wasn't at all convinced; just more paranoid then ever. So I developed a plan. Sticky traps! I wasn't going to wake up with a snake in my bed. So I surrounded every air vent with sticky mouse traps. If one was coming in...I was going to find it before it found me. And it actually worked!

I woke up to a snake stuck face down in a sticky trap in my kitchen. I threw on a bath robe and the clunkiest shoes I could find and took a picture - because nobody was going to believe me! And then I went back over to that neighbors house and told him I was right! And then begged for his help. His grandson came over with a shovel and some gloves. I bet that thing was two feet long. He had to kill it and then pull it's dead body though the air vent like a rope. I'm gagging right now just thinking about it.

My dad and I used our creative problem solving skills to seal up the siding to prevent any more invasions. Within two years the snake problem was completely solved with new attic insulation, new siding, new furnace and air vents and a Corgi. I hope I never have to fight that battle again!

1008 - Part One

I've been thinking about my house a lot lately. I don't think I could ever love a worldly possession as much as I love that house. It's my blood, sweat and tears. Literally. And some of my dad's blood and sweat. And my moms sweat and pee. But that's another story...

Ask anyone. When you think about my house you think about moth balls. I had a bit of a snake situation. A helpful neighbor suggested I use moth balls in the attic to keep them away. I should have considered that her house stunk like moth balls and meatloaf before taking her advice.

The snake in the attic really was the last straw. So after my cousin's husband retrieved the bugger I had him toss a few boxes of moth balls all over the attic. He asked if I really wanted him to use them all. Of course! This was serious. If one box was good, two was better. I told him to chuck them all over - wing 'em like baseballs.

Before I knew it that smell had taken over. Everything smelled like moth balls. EVERYTHING! My phone smelled like moth balls. Crackers tasted like moth balls. It was so bad I had to gut my attic and replace a refrigerator. How Josh stuck around for this phase is still beyond me. The worst part is that the moth balls weren't even effective! It was all a lie.

Moth balls and all, I really miss that place. It was all mine. I never worked so hard on anything in my whole life. I had never been so proud of myself. That house was the biggest piece of my master plan. I'm just glad that I got to enjoy it for the short time that I did. Because we all know that plans change.