You Ass...

It's been almost a year since I lost my Grandpa Kern. I miss him all the time. But usually when I think about him I start laughing, not crying. I even dream about him sometimes. I'm scared that Christmas will never be the same without him here. So I'm doing my best to laugh while I cry now and think of only the good shit on Christmas when my dad takes over making Slippery Eggs.

This is what my cousin, Janelle, read at his funeral.

About a year ago, in one of my classes, I was assigned to write a paper about one of my family members. It didn’t take me more than a couple seconds before I decided…. Grandpa Kern. Here are some pieces of the paper I would like to share.

My Grandpa.. Ornery, feisty, funny, perverted, and cheap. He always had something to say whether it was making fun of my messy hair (when he had none) or telling me about what happened on Dancing With the Stars. Whenever he would call it was always pretty brief because he had to hurry up before the commercials on tv were over. “Well I didn’t want nothing, bye,” was always his signature line. He was also pretty famous for the messages he would leave on the answering machine. “It’s 7 o’clock, must be out shopping…. Bye.” Or the classic messages of him talking to grandma and having no clue he was leaving a ten minute message of complete nonsense.

I will never forget the time I asked Grandpa to come with me to get a couch at Mom’s Place, a thrift store. He was always their biggest costumer and was thrilled to go. When we walked in he proudly told every employee I needed a couch for my new apartment in Iowa City. After Grandpa sent me on a tour of the whole store we found a couch for $175. Of course he wasn’t going to pay that much. He offered them $70 and then had the nerve to pay with a $100 bill. I’m not sure if I was impressed or totally embarrassed.

Grandpa always had his own way of talking. He was never very sincere, he would rather say, “Ah, you ass” instead of I love you. Beaktis instead of breakfast. Juscuzzi instead of Jacuzzi. Noenoinment instead of Neosporin. I think Angela and Tristan were married for a couple of years before he finally pronounced Tristan right… he was always Kristen or Travis.

Grandpa was always my number one fan sitting right behind home plate at every softball game. I will never forget his and grandmas matching green and gold St. Albert t-shirts. He was also one of the concession stand’s biggest costumers buying popcorn, nachos, peanuts and sunflower seeds every game. 

I always enjoyed having breakfast with Grandma and Grandpa at Hy-Vee on Saturday mornings but their eggs were never near as good as Grandpa’s famous Slippery Eggs on Christmas.

Even in the end he was still his ornery and feisty self. From flipping off the night nurse he didn’t like to talking about the cute new nurse. He always told me to “behave yourself” but now it’s my turn to tell you “behave yourself up there” I’m sure going to miss you…. You ass.